by David Foster Wallace. Love this.
Yesterday I tweeted “I hate that my favorite comedians don’t know that they and I are friends.”
I was just thinking, how awesome would it have been if instantly John Mulaney, Louis CK, Doug Stanhope, Michael Che, Hannibal Burress, Kyle Kinane, all those guys instantly started tweeting at me: “We know.”
That would be a fucking twitter moment.
Today someone on tumblr said something that struck me as delightful so I tried to go to their askbox to send them a message about how great they are and I swear to god they didn’t have an askbox. That page didn’t exist. That’s a thing?
Seven ‘Commentary’ titles from The Onion:
Haven’t We All Done Steroids, In A Way?
By Lance Armstrong
Would A Man Who Doesn’t Support Women Let His Wife Pick Out Any Oven She Wants For Her Birthday?
By Mitt Romney
The Word ‘Spooktacular’ Used To Mean Something In This Country
By Garrett Lowe
It’s Funny How What You’re Saying Relates To My Novel
By Elliot Leaf
Life’s Too Short To Get Hung Up On The Mysterious Circumstances Surrounding Your Wife’s Death
By Neil Campbell
I’d Say My Least Favorite Part About Being A Restroom Attendant Is Spending 8 Hours A Day In A Room Where People Defecate
By Benjamin Canfield
This Is A Tragedy—Does It Really Matter Exactly How Many People Died Or What Any Of The Details Are?
By Col Allan, ‘New York Post’ Editor
If you sent me to work on a farm, I would inevitably spend all my energy getting along with the farmer and none on learning about the farm. I would know all about how the farmer works and nothing about how the farm works. So pretty soon, the farmer would really like me and also I would be an incompetent farm worker. But why? Why am I like this? Surely I could have learned to be a competent farm worker. Why don’t I ever do that?
Sincere question.
Would you rather live in a society governed by the first two thousand names in the Boston telephone directory or a society governed by the two thousand faculty members of Harvard University?
Drill Sergeant: GUMP! What's your sole purpose in this Army?!
Forrest Gump: To do whatever you tell me, drill sergeant!?
Drill Sergeant: God damn it, Gump! You're a goddamned genius! That's the most outstanding answer I have ever heard! You must have a goddamned I.Q. of 160! You are goddamned gifted, Private Gump!
